Counseling Blog | The Dunham School | Private PreK-12 | Baton Rouge, LA

Counseling Blog

March 2026

Defining Masculinity

I was recently at a national conference for educators, school staff, heads of school, and counselors. Overall, it was a fantastic conference. The last education module I attended for the conference was on raising connected boys. It focused on supporting boys in developing healthy relationships with themselves and others, and how they can develop better connection, empathy, and inclusion relationally. They spoke extensively about masculinity in culture and the difficulty boys and parents are having at defining what exactly masculinity is and how it is taught to our kids. 

The presenter, the head of school and dean of students at a West Coast all-boys school, gave a presentation on the topic, and at the end, held a Q&A session. It was…pretty “mid” as our students would say. A fellow educator asked if the presenter could define what masculinity was. He responded, “We can only define masculinity in terms of what we want our boys to be like. We can’t define masculinity for everyone else.”

Which, to me, means either you can’t define it, or you’re more concerned with being politically correct. 

I was very disappointed and I wasn’t the only one. You could tell the air went out of the room with his response. In the standing room only presentation, I think most wanted a real answer, because I think most are unsure themselves. The “world”, as scripture puts it, has done a fantastic job of confusing our language and terminology in the last few decades. The presenters gave some attributes that were positive; however, a lot was lacking, especially from denominationally Christian school.

Over the last 15 years, I’ve worked with boys, teenagers, and men on their masculine journeys and, as a man myself, have my own. I cut my teeth as a young man on all of John Eldridge’s work and earned my master’s in counseling and marriage and family therapy under Dr. Jim Hurley, who wrote the book Men and Women in a Biblical Perspective. I believe there are universal attributes to masculinity because I believe truth is definite and not circumstantial as communicated in the conference presentation. 

God intentionally created humanity male and female with distinct but complementary roles (Genesis 1:27; 2:18–25).  Masculinity reflects certain responsibilities and characteristics that glorify God when exercised rightly.

Core Elements of Masculinity from a Christian Worldview

• Christlike Servant-Leadership
  The defining model is Jesus Christ Himself, who displayed perfect strength combined with humility and sacrifice (Philippians 2:5–8; Ephesians 5:25–33). Masculinity is not domineering or self-serving but sacrificial leadership — a man lays down his life for those under his care, especially his wife and family, mirroring Christ's love for the church. This is why men are so drawn to soldiers, knights, rescue professions, sacrificial hero stories and so on. Boys have this downloaded in them by our own Servant Leader. 
• Headship and Responsibility
  Men are called to loving, humble “headship” in marriage and traditionally in church leadership (Ephesians 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 2:12–13; 3:1–7). This is not authoritarian rule but responsible initiative, protection, provision, and spiritual direction for the household. A man is accountable before God for the wellbeing of his family. You cannot have masculinity without responsibility. Boys and especially young men need to know this. Even though responsibility can feel like a “weight,” it gives us purpose and then in turn makes our lives feel meaningful. Headship is one of those responsibilities. I have often worked with marriages where many of the problems in the marriage will improve once the man starts to lead again, especially spiritually. 
• Strength with Gentleness
  Biblical manhood includes strength defined as courage, resolve, protectiveness, and the willingness to stand firm in the faith (1 Corinthians 16:13 — "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong"). Yet this strength is tempered by the fruit of the Spirit — love, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23). It rejects both passive weakness and harsh, domineering aggression. The greatest Old Testament example is King David, a mighty warrior and poet. Jesus as well embodies a rugged gentleness that I have seen many admirable men possess. Jesus was a man with deeply calloused hands working with wood and stone for decades, as well as a fisherman, and he certainly slept outside while on the road during his ministry. Jesus was also quick to be gentle and kind with children, the disabled, and the sick. Unfortunately, from what I gathered, which was communicated by the presenters and their sources, the balance between strength and gentleness is too difficult for boys and young men nowadays. Learning to be empathetic and dangerous of mind, body, or both is putting too much expectation on young males. They reported it puts too much pressure on boys to be “all things”.  I just do not believe that has to be true. In my experience, that is when you get the best version of boys and men. It is also what their future spouses will desire from them relationally and in raising their children. 
• Provision, Protection, and Cultivation
  Drawing from Genesis 2:15 (Adam tasked to "work" and "keep" the garden), men are seen as called to provide, protect, and cultivate in all aspects of their lives.  By stewarding talents and resources responsibly, men can provide stability in the lives of those around them. That can be physical provision, spiritual accountability, or emotional regulation. 1 Thessalonians 4: 11-12 tasks us with seeking a quiet life to work with our hands and to not be dependent on others. We have an amazing group of male faculty at Dunham that embody all three of these attributes. They are good stewards of creation, what God provides through it, and aim to give glory to God through their talents. They are Godly mentors and role models. They have deep knowledge of God’s Word and live it. 
• Moral Courage and Conviction
  A godly man pursues holiness, resists sin, defends truth, and leads others toward godliness. He is watchful against evil (both external and internal), takes initiative in spiritual matters, and models obedience to God. (1Timothy 6:11).  Also, man’s prayers should reflect his courage and conviction. How we teach our boys to pray and talk with God is an invaluable investment in their lives and for their future relationships. Often when I am counseling a male student here at Dunham, he is wrestling with these exact things in his life. We turn to Biblical truth to give us direction. 
• Sonship and Brotherhood 
  One of the defining masculine qualities is a desire to share in a brotherhood of some kind that has a shared goal or obstacle to overcome. Usually there is some adventure tied to it! The Twelve Disciples are a great example, as are King David’s Mighty Men. With being a brother, we are also Sons. Some articulations emphasize that true masculinity begins with being a “son” of God through Christ — secure in identity as beloved by the Father, freeing men from proving themselves through worldly markers (status, conquest, violence). This leads to brotherly love and potentially fatherhood — biological or spiritual mentoring. 

I realize this is a topic that could and does fill volumes of books. My goal here is to give our Dunham parents knowledge of how I define masculinity. These attributes are from a biblical worldview and my own lived experience! I want parents to know we, at Dunham, counsel from what God says about his masculine creation, not from misplaced priorities or shifting culture.